Ibiza and Mallorca

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Ibiza is a summer island paradise for those who can afford it. This is the vacation playground for the “who’s who” of Europe. Beautiful women, beautiful beaches, but hell expensive. Average coverage charge at most clubs on this island approaches $50US. But it may be worth the cost and the ferry ride from the mainland just for the women. Picture this: you’re on the beach, and this rich, little Spanish girl with the ass of your dreams and the attitude of your nightmares is blowing you off. So you turn around and almost bump your head into the breast of the biggest, hottest Swedish chick you’ve ever seen. You turn around again and there is a group of Italians in their G-strings. This place is unbelievable. But let me warn you. Know somebody, dress well, look good in a bathing suit and bring lots of cash.

You have got to take a ferry from mainland cities such as Barcelona or Valencia to get here. If miss your ferry on the way from the Costa del Sol and have to hang out in Valencia for a night, you may be able to check out some great nightlife in the Carme District and the Avenida Blasco Ibanez, especially District 10 on Calle General Elio and Parabola on Calle Gorgos. But as in Seville, this city is a lot more fun during the academic year when school is in session.

Ibiza has two main sections, Eivissa and San Antonio. Thankfully, the name is all it shares with the boring American city of the same name. Eivissa is mostly frequented by the Spanish and Mediterranean types who keep the discos in business all night, while an San Antonio has mostly English and Northern European types who keep companies that make sun screen in business all day. In Ibiza as in any foreign city you visit, women should be the first priority. Here is a typical schedule in Ibiza: head to the beach from 1-5pm, eat and shop from 5-9pm, drink at the bars from 10-2am, hit the discos from 2-6am and then sleep ’til the afternoon.

Some helpful advice: Watch out for the gay areas of town. Your bunghole will thank you for it. Realize that the women here like to dance and hook up, so don’t be shy. Strap one on and roll up on whichever honey strikes your fancy. Everything is expensive, so watch the cash. To save some money and find out where to party, stay at the Hostel Residencia Sol y Brisa on Avenue Bartomeu and Romonara. It’s cheap clean and next to the port. Head to the all-American favorites like Pizza Hut and Burger King, if you still want to have money to party with at the end of the day. The best beach by far is Platja de Ses Figures, where you will find lots of hot, half-naked women as its name would imply, along with plenty of sun and sand to go around. Platja de Figueretes, Platja des Duros and Platja de Talamanca aren’t too bad either, but there’s not as much YP.

The best places to go for nightlife are around the marina and the Calle Major. Try the Zoo and Tango on Placa de Antonio Riguer or Bar Galerie and Exis on Calle de la Virgen. After 2am head to the Eivissa. They advertise their clubs from 10pm to 2pm and offer discounts on admission and drinks for the thrifty partygoer. Pacha on Perimetral and El Divino are the best, but go there early if you want to get in. Head to Privilege on Urbanizacion San Raphael in San Antonio later as this club is simply the best Ibiza has to offer. Foam parties and nakedness are big here, so too are the breasts of many of the women from Holland, Sweden, England, France and Switzerland who frequent this Spanish hotspot in the summertime. Just be careful. You don’t want to have to wind up bathing in another kind of soap— the kind that you need a doctor’s prescription to get!

Don’t neglect to check out the Spanish island of Mallorca if you have the chance. It’s a lot less expensive than Ibiza, and the people here are a little more down to earth, but it’s nowhere near as crazy as the island further north. The Terreno district in Mallorca rocks in the summer months from July to August. Palma is where you go to check out all the foreign, freshly tanned booty shopping for the perfect outfit to put it in. The best beaches here are Plama and Illetes. El Arenal isn’t bad either, but there are way too many families.

God Damn Factor 9.5

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