Dictionary of Terms

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Back-up Nah Nah— This is a term coined by a friend of mine who was a real stud. He was rich, good-looking, smart, an awesome athlete and great with the chicks. What he liked to do was bring women with him out to the bars and clubs and then scam on other chicks, while the back-up just kind of hung around. If he didn’t meet anyone particularly fine that night, he would take the back-up home to runkle. If he did meet someone that raised his Johnson, he would ditch the back-up and runkle the new girl. And it wasn’t like the back­up he brought with him was at all unattractive or unintelligent. I mean he got away with doing this with good-looking law students, nurses and other professionals. Working the back up is not for the timid or the shy at heart. You’ve got to be a talented, experienced player to get away with this sort of thing. A wingman can help.

BFNT’s— An acronym for Big Fat Natural T-tties.  My favorite!

Cock Blocking— Cock blocking is an invaluable skill both for you and your wingman to posses. There are countless times where you find the girl of your dreams being hit on by some tool of a guy, and you’ll need your buddy to cock block for you so that you can get to her smoothly, easily and effortlessly. For example; the guy talking to your dream girl is wearing a Georgetown hat. Your wingman rolls up on the soon-to-be-separated couple first and says something like, “Oh, dude, you’re at Georgetown, do you know Joe Blow on the basketball team?” Now the guy is disoriented and lost his train of thought with the chick. As he fumbles for an answer and explanation, your star wingman sends a barrage of questions and comments his way. “So how do you like Washington, DC? Have you ever seen the president jogging? What are the chicks like?” (That last question was so that the guy doesn’t think your wingman is a homosexual) Meanwhile you’ve moved in and are actively working on the chick. Your wingman continues this as long as he has to. If things work out with the chick, and even if they don’t, you will then owe him big time.

God Damn Factor— If you have ever seen Eddy Murphy’s “Raw”, you’ll know what I mean by this. It’s a semi-quantitative measure of how hot the women are in a particular locale judged by how ugly they make you feel when you look at them! The scale is from one to ten with a ten being that I couldn’t imagine feeling any more ugly.

Heismanned— Do you know what the Heisman trophy looks like? For anyone outside of the US who is reading this book, the Heisman trophy is given annually to the best college player in American football. The trophy is a statue of a runner who looks like he is stiff-arming someone. Well this is the term I use for a guy who has been totally rejected, shot down, I.E. stiff-armed by a chick. Oh, is that a hand print I see on top of your forehead?

Itchy Dog— This is a term devote to a resourceful dog owned by a friend of mine. We were visiting his house on the way to Daytona Beach for spring break, and observed that he had a rather unique way of scratching his balls. Whenever he felt the need, he would sit on the carpet, spread his rear legs apart and drag his flee-bitten testicles across the room by his front legs until he was relieved. Some of my fraternity brothers decided that this was the greatest thing man’s best friend had taught us since the invention of that sexual position we all know and love. One night a few of my bodies stormed the room of the president of a rival fraternity. Several of the brothers held him down while the fattest in ouj? fraternity dropped trough and rubbed his stinky, hairy rear end on the carpet that was this guys head, and the “itchy dog” was born.

Jammers— A term synonymous with boobies, titties, kajongas, fun bags, ta ta’s, etc, etc. You know what we mean.

Juggling– This is a term used to describe the act of scamming on more than one woman in the same place at the same time— entertaining each one while keeping them unaware that you are working on other chicks that may be just a few yards away. Again to do this well you have to be a real pro, and a wingman can really help by keeping the chicks physically separated, keep them occupied with conversation and/or to explain your untimely absences.

Jumping on the Grenade— Much like “cock blocking” only it’s directed against women (who are usually the Mother Theresa’s or the ugly ones of the group) not other men. Jumping on the grenade is a valuable skill for you and your wingman to posses. How many times have you seen a beautiful woman in a bar accompanied by her not-so-beautiful or genitalia-guarding friend and feel the need to have a buddy take her out of the picture? Well it’s not so much a skill, as a willingness to occupy “the other chick”, while one of you works on the beautiful one. This skill takes skill, patience but most of all guts. Sometimes, it works out that you both get lucky.

Helmetfest—A social gathering place where no self-respecting PB would ever want to be, a place where there are too many men and just not enough women to keep them all entertained. For example: many of the best bars and clubs in the world have many more male than female patrons. But I reserve this term for places with the very worst of ratios, where even the ugliest chicks can get rankled for lack of competition.

Mother Theresa’s— This is a term I use for girls who guard the genitalia of their friends (who you are trying to hit on) like a mother bird guards her eggs. They are the enemies. They are the little devils of consciousness who whisper into your dream girl’s ear telling her not to runkle you. To understand this behavior one has to remember that chicks are territorial. They tend to compete in groups where as men compete as individuals. They are very protective of others within their social group. I’ve actually had the experience twice on the same spring break of leaving a bar with a chick to go runkle, when her friends stopped us before we were out of sight and refused to let her leave with me. I mean these chicks would follow us around the club into the hotel or wherever and would not leave us alone! Just one of these chicks can totally ruin your night.   I can’t tell you how many times I would have given my left testicle for a strong wingman to take a potential Mother Theresa out of the picture, so I could enjoy myself.

Mutts— No this is not a term for ugly women. On the contrary, it’s an affectionate term for women who are of mixed ethnic backgrounds. I’ve met many mutts in my lifetime-girls who are half Lebanese and half Venezuelan, half Swedish and half Black, half Dutch and half Indonesian, half Italian and half South American Indian and a quarter, French, German, English and African—God damn, she was beautiful. Often times they are among the most beautiful women in the entire world. They are abundant in very international cities, like Amsterdam, Paris, New York and Los Angeles.

Poaching— This is a term I affectionately use to describe an older man scamming on younger chicks. It’s a skill all of the PB’s reading this book are one day going to have to master. One day you are going to roll up on the sweetest-looking chick you have seen in a good long while and start working on her. Then you’ll notice that she kind of looks at you funny, takes a quick glance at the hair line that may very well be receding or graying and asks how old you are. If you don’t already know this, trust me on this one. As you get older, the younger chicks are going to look better and better to you. You are going to have to learn how to pouch like a pro. Now with the girls who like to date older men or who at times exclusively date older men, the pouching will be much easy. Many women prefer the maturity, confidence and financial stability of the older man. But with other girls, who may be intimidated or who think it’s just too weird to date someone old enough to be their father, you may have to down-play the difference in your ages and experience.

She may be intrigued by those differences, or she may be scarred off. You have to be the judge of that and adjust your rap accordingly. Regardless you have to make her feel comfortable with you romantically, and get her to not think of you as “older”. Sometimes that takes time and patience. If her parents or friends don’t like the idea of her dating an older man, you may have to isolate her for enough time to work your charms to a point where she won’t care what they think. Obviously the girl has to be pretty mature, confident and independent to do that. So if you sense that you are wasting your time, cut your losses and move on.

This term can also be used to describe the younger man trying to runkle the older woman. The big things older women offer over young women is experience, sexual prowess and economic stability. The best runkling I have ever experienced has been with older women. They know what men like, how they like it, and because women peak sexually in their later years, they tend to be more willing to satisfy their men— repeatedly. Now she may like the fact that you are young and inexperienced, but with older chicks you almost always have to seem more mature, confident and worldly. Show off the typical advantages of the younger male; strength, stamina and physique. You may have to be overwhelmingly sexual to get her to overlook any shortcomings like not having any money, a car or a place of your own. Remember what I said before though—YP is what you want while you can get it, but if they opportunity presents itself to runkle a truly fantastic older chick— go for it.

PB— No, it doesn’t stand for Peanut Butter. It’s an acronym for “perma boner”. This is a guy who acts like he has a permanent erection and is always looking for a place to put it. I myself have been accused of being the world’s biggest PB. Generally, I can’t deny that this may in fact be true.

Phat—pretty hot and tempting. Synonyms include; fine, bad ass and smokin’. I use to describe any person, place or thing that I think is the shit.

Problem Solver—A woman who is so fine, so smokin’ hot, so stunningly beautiful, that there is no problem, amount of pain or turmoil in your life that she couldn’t solve by being with you.

Recycling— Every year in my fraternity at Harvard we gave out a recycling award to one of the brothers. No it didn’t go to the guy who was the most environmentally conscious. It went to the guy who hooked up the most with girls with whom other brothers had hook up with previously. I made sure I never won.

Runkle— This is a very Harvard term. It’s sort of nonsense word you can use to describe any sexual act. Some examples; f-cking, fornication and fellatio.

Scrubadickin’— One of my favorite terms named for a particular species of spider which injects an appendage into the vagina of the female before fornicating, in order to clean out any spider sperm from some other dude who the bitch may have been with previously. After calling “Roto-Rooter”, he injects his own sperm in the hopes of creating progeny in his likeness and image. Being that I was the biggest PB in my fraternity, I was the one who usually went out to poster the girl’s schools in Boston and Cambridge for our parties. My buddy, Jason, would sometimes help. Being procrastinators, we usually didn’t get to poster for weekend parties until that Friday, and by then, all the kiosks were usually full of advertisements for parties thrown by rival fraternities at other schools. Well, Jay usually decided he should do some scrubadickin’ of his own. He could clear off all those other posters and have ours put up in their place in a matter of seconds. Girls would come read the billboards on Friday afternoons after class looking for something to do on the weekend and only see our posters, so our parties were always packed.

Squid—This is a term my friends and I use to describe a dork, a shit head and a loser all rolled up into one. Every day during medical school, when I walked into class I felt like I was diving into an aquarium, “50,000 Leagues under the Hopper”.

Sortie— Named for the sorties in the Gulf War during which the mostly American fighter planes assembled into teams of 2-10 and deftly took out Iraqi military strongholds with incredible accuracy and precision never before seen in a war time situation. I use it to describe a group of guys out on the prowl— zeroing in on some quality booty, and then going in for the kill. Semper Fi, baby!

Smashin’— Another term for Runlin’.  See above.

Wingman— A good wingman is totally invaluable. Someone who is good looking, entertaining and who can talk to women without seeming like an idiot are desirable qualities. There will come a time for you to be in need of a cock-blockin’, help-me-juggle, willing-to-jump-on-the-grenade or Mother Theresa-distracting buddy. Trust me on this one. At the very least, you’ll need each other for motivation which may be wavering if you have some bad luck. Believe it or not some of the best wingmen I’ve ever had were chicks! Johnny Kim’s little sister Jessica for instance was always trying to hook me up with her cute friends.

Wu- This was the name of a friend back at Harvard. He was this tiny, little Asian guy who had a really big dick. No one is exactly sure how that happened. So if something good happens, shout “Wu! I’ve got a big dick.” or “Double Wu!”, if something really goes well.

Y or YP—The abbreviation for “Young P-ssy”. E-mufFsaid.

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